kevin sorbo and pat thornton
Okay peeps, it is 3am and this is the start of LIVE BLOG #3. For three am the crowd in here is pretty solid. Time for Fuzzy Peaches! Pat, when he can’t read the joke on the first try: “Fuck. Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. What time is it?” We’re getting a lot of Shitty the Riddler jokes… and some Transformers 3 jokes as well. And Kevin Sarbo is still starring.
Time for some SNAPS! Forward by Quincy Jones- wild. Which Chapters do we want? Poor snaps or teeth snaps? By claps. It’s Pretty close. “We’re going to read all the snaps guys.” Steve Fisher is sleepy. Pat is explaining these snaps to an unresponsive crowd. Are we that sleepy? Or are they just not funny? “That’s all the teeth snaps, they suck.” Someone on twitter made a cartoon of Mustard Andrew! Awesome!
Sometimes we’re just laughing at the one dude who is laughing at the joke. But that’s kind of joyful and lovely in its own way too. “Hey I was thinking… (silence)”- The Wizard of Pause. “Wait up, guys, this mask doesn’t have eyeholes!”- Shitty the Riddler. “Yeah I know my teeth are yellow, what are you stupid?!”- Mustard Andrew. YEAH.
Ripple me, chips! I love jokes referencing jokes from six hours ago. Wood Puss is back. Now introducing Shitty and Titty the Fiddler. “Transformers Free?” I love the anticipation of everyone knowing the punch line. Kevin Sorbo. “How can you get Kevin Sorbo to leave a Coffee Time? … If you know, give me a call.” Good job, Internet, says Pat. The best is still when Pat laughs at the jokes. Especially when he has to stop reading them to compose himself. #Joy. Pat just did all the jokes on his chair, then tried his pop can (empty) and now for some poor snaps.
Your father’s so poor, he can’t afford to pay attention. Your family is so poor you’re whole family goes trick or treating on Thanksgiving. What? That’s just stupid! That’s not a poor thing, it’s just on the wrong day! “I think Kevin Sorbo is the next big thing”- Shitty Bette Midler. We’re all dying from laughter from a Hook reference Kevin Sorbo joke. I just giggled just because Pat said Piddler. Hair Snaps. Not memorable enough to mention.
The Wings Beneath My Wings: Hits of Bette Midler. Just a fact. That’s okay. Pat says: “You can just write down things you know. I just need to say stuff. I don’t know everyone’s middle names here… we could do that.” Transformers III: Rob Ford eats a lesbian on a bike. WHAT!?!?? “Can I get more crackers?” Pat cracks up. “No, you didn’t order anything.”- Kevin Sorbo trying to get free crackers at Tim Horton’s. He’s still laughing.
“My middle name is Wonderwoman”- Shitty the Riddler. I think we’re all delirious. 2011 Pat does 24 hours of Stand Up to raise money for Kevin Sorbo. Molly online wants a 5 minute Kevin Sorbo monologue. We have to agree on a price first. “I’m not Kevin Sorbo, if I was I’d just eat this paper and go home, and by home I mean just outside I guess.” Pat’s $25.00 away from his goal!!!! It’s 3:52am. The jokes are literally coming in one at a time at this point. We want to hear from Quincy Jones.
Pat reads to us from Quincy Jones’ Forward from the Snap book. Quincy is talking about Griots. Did Quincy Jones make up Griot? Pat wants to know. Because he uses it a lot. “Every time a Griot died it was like another library burning down.” Please don’t let the Griots die. There were instances of Griots who traveled with troubadours. Talking about Yo’ Mama comes from slavery. Insulting your momma was intended to make you feel like the Dirty Dozen, the lowest of the slaves. 10 HOURS. Okay— says Pat, “what’s happening with these Griots!?!?”
PAT JUST MET HIS GOAL AND WANTS WATER. It is 3:58am. He was pushed over by Internet Molly. Chants of NEW GOAL NEW GOAL. The NEW GOAL IS 10,000. (DONATE HERE) YAY FOR PAT- seriously- someone just screamed that. DANCE PARTY!!!! I’m already fantasying about breakfast. 5 minute Sorbo monologue. He’s just a beefcake with a dream when he moved to LA. He watched a lot of Three Stooges while working on Hercules. Mark is playing very dream like epic movie music which is swelling dramatically under the monologue. Pat is just making stuff up; Sorbo bought all sorts of expensive stuff and then threw it out. Including his jewelled jeans. It got rough for him. He moved into his brother, Mike Sorbo’s, place, and started doing a lot of drugs, like 80 or 90 Children’s Asprin a day. So he lived in a van for a bit- with no wheels- and he let it get wet—sorry- he lived in a box, but he wrote VAN on the side of it so that the cops, who are all scientists, would leave him alone. He was eating garbage, the whole time, really, but now he’s racing snakes to garbage cans, he’s just trying to get a snack- but he can’t fucking do it. Just can’t fucking do it, man.
“What’s my recipe? I just put some salt in this puddle.”- Kevin Sorbo expecting has company. Every time a Griot dies, Kevin Sorbo tries to eat their stories. HA. “Do I know how to spin some bullshit about Griots or do I know how to spin some bullshit about Griots?!”- Quincy Jones. You’re in the WOODS, Q. Jay. Do you think anyone calls him that? Asks Pat, Q. Jay? “Can you autograph my copy of Can’t Hardly Wait? I licked off the first autograph.” Kevin Sorbo to Seth Green. “I’m still alone out here!”- blind kid. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Let’s save that blind kid. Let’s make that our goal for the end, says Pat.
“This is either a shovel or a big spoon”- Shitty the Bob the Builder.” I smell pastries what’s going on down there”- Sorbs. This is only funny if you know that about an hour ago Pat was eating a pastry. Oh, and he just said, “Suck on that, Q Jay.”
“Hey guys did you see me on Dexter?”- Kevin Sorbo talking in his sleep. We are all laughing until we collectively choked about a free Tibet joke- “If you have a sign saying “Free Tibet, don’t get mad that people are coming around looking to eat a Tibet.” Seriously, this audience is dying of laughter. Crying. Stomping. At jokes that barely make sense. Hyper sleep deprivation, it’s like a jokefest slumber party where everything is hysterical just because it is 4:00am. Best. Best. Best. “Somebody complains about bedbugs, I’m just glad someone is paying attention to me”- Kevin Sorbo. To Candyland from Kevin Sorbo: “Tell me how to get there for reals.”
Are we talking about the Cheese Twenty Griots!? YES. AWE.SOME. Sorbs and Snipes. Oh, those men. Waylen just turned to me after Pat said “How many pubes can I get for a loincloth” and said, “Really? This is what you’re doing with your life now?” Waylen should be writing jokes.
Funniest Jokes in the World by Amelia. Construction paper title page with staples
Knock Knock. Who’s there? Ben and Doris. Ben and Doris Who? Been knocking all morning and the door is stuck.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Dog. Dog who? Dog I don’t see you.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Pumpkin? Pumpkin who? What?
Knock Knock. Who’s there? Trash can. Trash can who? I put my house in a trash can. PAT: I hope Sorbo finds that trash can, because he could really use that house.
The snake beats Sorbo to the house. The snake always wins.
Knock Knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange I see you.
These are the jokes that make you fall down. Golf claps.
“Excuse me, ma’am did you just take a picture of me shitting in a garbage can? That’ll be 20 dollars.”- Sorbo.
“Ya’ll Gonna Make Me Sound Like Wind”- Sound Eff DMX-
“Ya’ll gonna make me lose my land line?”- Shitty telephone reception DMX
I am dreaming of breakfast. It is 4:40am. “I can’t believe I didn’t get invited to that snake’s house warming party!”- Sorbo, ladies and gentleman! He’s having a rough one tonight. “Hey kid, it’s me Kevin Sorbo, in the bushes, I’m going to need you to get me some clothes and some food and some (cracks up) some auditions.” Crowd looses their minds. Pat would like to see that scene in a movie.
Mark, from the booth, delighted, “Hey buddy. Kevin Sorbo is now trending on twitter. (laughs, even more delighted), and I updated his Wiki page…” There are drunk people out at the bar yelling their reactions to the jokes too- which don’t entirely make sense to me. Waylen thinks that there should be duelling fundraisers- one in the theatre and one at the bar. Could be an idea for next year. WOW. Pat’s 24 Hour Stand Up is trending on Twitter WORLDWIDE. It’s #7 is Canada. Pat says to this, “That’s hot.” He’s Paris Hilton all of a sudden- that’s what happens when you become famous.
“I’m taking the red eye to LA. That’s my slang for “crawling over to that thing that might be a cheezie.”- Sorbo.
11 hours. Wow. An hour away from halfway. Pat seems thrilled.
Steve Fisher to me at 5am: You still gonna be here at noon? Me: (dazed) Uhuh. I can’t wait to see him in seven hours just because I am curious what state of delirium I will be in by then.
Winnie the Pooh Fanfiction. Written by Pat Thornton. The Rainy Day. Pat offers to drive Winnie the Pooh to The Thinking Place in his zipcar, which he thinks is wicked. They meet Piglet and go to Wendy’s and to the movies, but Piglet can’t go to the movie because it’s in 3D and that makes him dizzy. Awwww. Then he went swimming with some different friends. The End.
Boston Pizza is in the woods!! OH!!!!! This joke takes place at a gambling casino… just to narrow it down… I love that the jokes from the published joke books are worse than the ones from the exhausted audience members who have been awake all night… what does that say about the state of comedy in Canada?
My favourite moment of the night so far- Biker looking dude at the bar eating nachos, not paying any attention to the monitor or to Pat… quietly to himself: “… Kevin Sorbo.”