Live Blog #4: Just Lion Around

pat thornton keeps going and going
It’s 6am. I’m wearing pyjamas. Pat’s doing a HUGE 12 Hour Halfway Recap for the Internets just tuning in. I am out at the bar eating the sugar/salt that is leftover from my Fuzzy Peaches charging my laptop battery. It’s lonely out here at the moment, and I’m sort of half hazardly (that’s not a real word is it? What am I trying to say?) watching Pat do his recap- and kind of just trying to keep warm. OH. I haven’t told you about Kevin Sorbo and his penchant for breaking into houses- he will BREAK INTO YOUR HOUSE and the first thing he’ll do, he will EAT YOUR CURTAINS. And then he will pass out on your lawn. Rob Ford is still celebrating Whorevember. Pat is still yelling at him about moustaches.
Awwww. Pat has a stuffed lion!!! He’s a puppet!! Jokes from the lion!! Pat’s shed his button down shirt- and has on a blue Superman T-shirt, by the way, oh so very appropriate. Pat is reading the jokes as the lion. Rawr. Now people are writing puns on lions for the lion. I still have my wicked cough. I feel like a ten year old. I usually do, just now, I look a little more like how I feel. Later, I kind of want to order everything on this menu. I’m hungrier than Kevin Sorbo lusting after Liz Lemon’s last name.
Apparently two other people are talking about Kevin Sorbo on Twitter, but completely separately from the trending jokes about him happening simultaneously. Kevin Sorbo apparently hosted something called 12 Biggest Lies. Lets see what some of those lies could be. Is that a real thing? Or is that one of the lies? It’s so cold out here I can’t write. I’m just waiting for my batteries to get to 100% (from 61%) and then I can go back in where it’s warm, and hopefully wake up a little. Although I want to pop out for some breakfast soon too- or at least some hot chocolate. Mmmmm. Dear second wind- please come soon. Love, Amanda. Mark Andrada is having a nap on the couch. In his coat. It’s freezing in here. I wish they’d close the door. I’m wearing gloves. Have to take them off to type though. Okay, bye.
Mark’s nap lasted all of three point five four minutes. 13 hours! Golf claps. Mark is making me tea. Mark is my favourite. Pat is still talking about Tit Night. I’m not sure how that started, but it was awhile ago. Something about Kevin Sarbo’s agent. The sun is slowly coming up. The batteries are slowly being charged. Basically my routine is I get about three hours in the theatre, and then spend two hours out at the bar. The two hours out here always feel like an eternity. Although I’m enjoying this tea a lot.
Recap: Kevin Sorbo is the worst, the WORST human being left. He’s not invited to tit night. We’re all walking around like zombies around here. Nodding at each other with solemn eyes. We’re all waiting for the second wind I think. Or the red bull. Or the booze train to start up again. Or both. Merciful Gary closed the door! And the peasants rejoiced. Lettuce. Lettuce all rejoice. Knock Knock.
Just returned from a brief visit to Tim Hortons. Still cold. There’s about nine of us in here, and the jokes are coming in really slow- we had some shitty children’s shows. I was going to write one about shitty Sharon, Lois and Bram- but I don’t have a pen or any paper. I’ve gone completely paperless for this Live Blogging thing, I don’t even have my signature pink notebook with me! Welcome to the 21st Century, Amanda. Even after tons of of sugar and caffeine, I still feel like I could sleep for a million years. Pat is reading Johnny Carson and Don Rickles quotes. We need some fresh blood up in here, I think. It’s almost 8:30am. We just need to get inspired, says Pat, and move on to a different topic. Pat’s going live on the radio in a few moments. Now he’s talking on his cell phone… “I’ve convinced several Americans that the Peter Mansbridge is a sex move.” Haha. Good one.
Chris Bosh may be the next victim of The Pat Thornton Show. He started a children’s clothing line- Bosh Kosh Bosh Gosh. Pat is reading his 99 Problems joke again. Awwww. Marmalade and Luba Goy. I’ve missed you. Them’s were simpler times. 13 hours ago.
“Is anyone going to eat this ice rink?”- Sorbo at Nathan Phillip’s Square. Rob Ford got his brother elected to parliament for BROvember. ROB!!!!! GROW A MOUSTASHE!! RECAP. Apparently Raven Simone lost out her role in Gremlins IV to Will Smith. Too bad. Kevin Sorbo has bees floating around in his head and some in his mouth. He keeps trying to get invited to Tit Night. Rap Grimace was a big deal that Pat wouldn’t mind seeing come back. The blind kid has been taken on terrible adventures. Sorbo has a dead man’s foot that he’s been using as a shoe and a phone for awhile. Mustard Andrew gave rise to Ketchup Phillip, Brett Relish and a whole slew of other condiment characters.
Rob Ford no longer has eggs in his pants, he ate them…
We had a quick dance party. I danced crazy in my pajamas. I’m sure Waylen would be proud if he was here…
Jobs Kevin Sorbo Has failed At 1. Bee Keeper 2. Actor 3. Snake charmer 4. Being Hercules FOREVER.
Brett Relish is walking around telling people that he killed Osama. How are we doing for money? Anything come in? Anything come in? Kevin Sorbo likes to lick the bottom of people’s chins. He also ate his own hair. ANYONE HAVE A JOKE FOR ME!?
For some reason Pat is saying his knock knock jokes in a high pitched voice- and we have been responding in kind. 15 HOURS. “I am not a bed wetter”- Nine year old Richard Nixon. Are you ready for a joke that Gary hates!? YES. YES, ALWAYS. “The vice president is Sloppy Joe Biden.”- #nineyearoldpresident. Pat just explained why “election” would be a funny word to nine year olds. Wow. I’m so slow on writing this blog entry. I must be tired. I keep zoning out and staring into space. I dunno how Pat is still going like the energizer bunny. I’ve also, apparently, completely forgotten how to spell. “The only thing worse than Kevin Sorbo eating my curtains is Jay Leno watching me shower.”
What Pat needs right now: Just like a lot of good stuff. Nine hours worth. People are telling Pat to invite people to come down here. AND YOU SHOULD. COME TO COMEDY BAR. COME WRITE JOKES. COME ON, NEW BLOOD. DIS DA PLACE TO BE.
Everything’s happening. Kevin Sorbo, if you are watching, come on down and we’ll pay you in bees. “I’m declaring war on Tristan”, #nineyearoldpres. Sorbo’s New Year’s Eve Party Invitaton, Pat can’t breathe. Day: December 4th. Place: wherever you’re going. Dress Code: Wet chin.
Hey look! It’s Mikaela Dyke! Well… you can’t see her. But I can. She’s sitting right beside me. Fresh blood. Seriously dudes, I expect to see all you funny people here over the next 8.5 hours. And I expect new jokes. NEW. JOKES. Pat is telling us about meeting his brother in High School to go see Fiddler on the Roof, all dressed up in a suit, with a bolo tie.
You will not lick my chin today, Sorbo.
“I have immunity from boner police, right?”- Nine year old president.
I’m just going to close my eyes for a bit while you guys write jokes about funny brooches. Kevin Sorbrooch. <- PAT. GENIUS. Apparently last year someone from New York was celebrating his 50th birthday party and was at the 24 Hour Stand Up, drunk and with no one he knew and he rolled in the garbage all over the stage. Weird. Okay. Closing my eyes. Pat just tried to see “I am into it” and ended up saying “I am intimate.” Sorboner Police- Come Out With Your Necks Up!! Not gonna work, Sorbo. I can’t believe we’re still telling jokes about Kevin Sorbo.
Oh good, Kate Middleton and Prince William just got in on the joke action. They deserve it for getting engaged. I’ve been awake for… almost 24 hours… I’m in training for someday watching the entirety of a Die Nasty Soap-a-thon. Right now I feel like I’m losing the battle. HAHAHA. Hazel McCallion is so old she was around when it was just Miss. Auga. We’re all waiting to see if Kevin Sorbo, on Twitter, makes any mention of his status as a trending topic… and the hundreds of burns by the comedians of Toronto that have led to his sudden rise in popularity.
“Age: 50ish Occupation: Chin Licker Other Residents of Household: Six bees and a dead man’s foot.” Census Kevin Sorbo.
More jokes that Gary hates…. Madonna’s pussy is in the woods.
Sorbs can’t muster the strength to break a crayon…. Tristan offers to help. Kim Campbell was the first female Prime Minister of Canada. Too bad.
Pat, as a bear, is holding a press conference, with open questions from the audience, regarding THE WOODS.
Oh man, Pat’s niece, who is so little and cute, just gave him a joke to read. Adorable. Why did the lion cross the road? To get to the other house. BOOM.
On that note of adorable… I’m going to post this salute to crazytown. Bye!

Leave a Reply