Live Blog #5: We Got Our Heads Stuck in the Peanut Butter Jar

the actual caption of this is “paddington bear ditches
marmalade for marmite.”
It is 12:43pm, I just woke up on the couch at Comedy Bar where I had a little nap across from where Mark is having a little nap on the other couch. We are two exhausted dudes. Now I’m back in and Pat is still talking about 1. Kevin Sorbo 2. Mustard Andrew 3. Rob Ford 4. Wesley Snipes. Now Carrot Top has joined the fray. I hope I didn’t completely miss the Kevin Eubanks jokes. The Kevin Sorbo and Kevin Eubanks friendship while dumpster diving was particularly inspired. 5. Regular Chips- still in the woods. I’m coughing a lot. Oh, look who’s back! It’s Jason Waterfalls. I can’t believe I fell asleep on that lumpy, broken couch. Epic. Frogs are in the woods! Eat it frogs.
I’m too tired for sophistimiated humour. From the audience: are they illegible or are they just not funny? Final push. “This has been a long night, dudes…”- Pat Thornton. Sweedish berries. Also child proof. I am victorious. Oh, the lion puppet is buried in bad jokes. Help me! Help me! These joke writers must be well rested (I originally wrote ‘JOKE RIDERS”- whatsa joke rider!? I want to know!) I’m typing with one finger. Pat is trying to come up with a Beatles ITunes joke. Not’a one. We’ve stopped having to use the hashtag Kevin Sarbo. It’s now just implied.
Steve Fisher is back! Remember when Steve left!? Remember how I wondered what I’d be like when he came back? Yeah. Crazypants. Boo, I just dropped a Swedish berry on the floor. I’m sure Kevin Sorbo will be racing the snakes and ready to pounce on it. Chris Tucker is in the woods. In the woods.
Newsworld is here… so, should we get clean for a bit? Ten minutes of cleanliness in jokes. Still Wesley Snipes and Kevin Sarbo and Chris Tucker burns. Pat’s getting a mic pack fitted on him. Journalist: What’s your name? What’s your name? (Pat: confused) “Pat! Buddy, I’m in the hashtag!!” The only thing Sarbo won’t eat: regular chips. BURN!!! BURN REGULAR CHIPS!
What’s the closest Rob Ford’s been to a Shakespeare play? When he had an omelette in his pants and called it a hamlet. I’ll keep my jokes clean, but I’M EATING GARBAGE- you guessed it- Kevin Sarbo.
I’m excited to have some lunch soon- well something beyond candy. Something of moderate substance. Although I kind of wish I was still napping… I am daydreaming about my bed. We’re about to get British guys! High pitched, Queenly British knock knock jokes. “I hope my eyebrows don’t fill in anymore”- Nine year old Eugene Levy. LEVY’S IN THE WOODS.
“All I have is my confidence and the burning feeling I get when I pee”- Wesley Snipes. Don’t go naming bathroom stalls. It is gigs like this that I wish I drank coffee… I’m so glad that I brought these PJ pants and the warmest sweatshirt I own. I look like I’m ten, as we’ve established, but I also am comfy and cozy, although still a little cold.
There’s been a Katrina joke and a Chilean miner joke so far since I woke up- but the most offensive joke I heard within the 24 hours (so far, anyways) came around 9am- about the Campbellford Ku Klux Klan Halloween Party. Apparently that costume was WAY less scandalous than the ones that took 3rd and 4th place. Whorifying- but clever…
“Great job Pat, you’re doing great!” Ellen DeGeneres. NICE. I think Ellen would totally dig this night. Ellen, if you read this (I swear I’m usually far more literate and insightful) you should come to Toronto and hang out with us at the Comedy Bar because this is where the funniest people in Canada are—and good times and lots of laughs are always on the menu. Also… by times, I’d even dare to say often, we use comedy to make the world a little better. We’re at $7,500 online- and well over $9,000 overall! Pat is tired. He has no brain. We are talking about how he has not sat down since he started. What’s the secret to staying awake? Laughing. It just keeps going- you just keep going. He thinks that if he took a break he would be FINISHED. What’s his Diet?- snacking on apples, bananas, red bull (just one) and a chicken sandwich, he had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich at one point, and some pumpkin pie at one point. He’s taken two bathroom breaks so far- and he feels like there will be another one… There was talk about him bringing a wireless mic into the bathroom with him- but that’s been kyboshed. His voice is a little scratchy because he just keeps talking and he keeps yelling- for his running Rob Ford Movember gag so he keeps yelling for him to GROW A MOUSTASHE.
The writing team are the best! A lot of them have been here the whole time… and a lot of people have come and gone which helps to revitalize the jokes. It’s a great community event and Pat is grateful that everyone is here with him helping him out. WE WOULDN’T BE HERE WITHOUT EGGS, is yelled from the audience. Stephen Lewis Foundation– work with grass roots organizations in Africa to try to turn the tide of the AIDS pandemic. He was inspired first by the dare aspect last year, but now he’s being driven by the cause… Stephen Lewis who is passionate and caring about the issue.
Pat: I don’t know what you’re hearing when I talk. The game is… I’m supposed to keep talking. 4 hours ago I lost that ability. Now I just stare into space.” Now everyone wants him to read their joke as the best joke, which Pat said will make no sense… because they are all jokes upon a joke upon a joke upon a joke. Stream of Consciousness. Like this blog. We just make each other laugh for 24 hours and send money to Africa.
Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Bean Hats. Just gonna close my eyes for a little bit longer. These blogs just get shorter and shorter. Seems like the longer I stay awake, the less I have to say.
“Can you make sure that no one finds out about the last TWENTY HOURS!? I’m worried about my mystique”- Sorbo.
I’m on that. Mum’s the word.
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