Live Blog #4: Just Lion Around

pat thornton keeps going and going
It’s 6am. I’m wearing pyjamas. Pat’s doing a HUGE 12 Hour Halfway Recap for the Internets just tuning in. I am out at the bar eating the sugar/salt that is leftover from my Fuzzy Peaches charging my laptop battery. It’s lonely out here at the moment, and I’m sort of half hazardly (that’s not a real word is it? What am I trying to say?) watching Pat do his recap- and kind of just trying to keep warm. OH. I haven’t told you about Kevin Sorbo and his penchant for breaking into houses- he will BREAK INTO YOUR HOUSE and the first thing he’ll do, he will EAT YOUR CURTAINS. And then he will pass out on your lawn. Rob Ford is still celebrating Whorevember. Pat is still yelling at him about moustaches.
Awwww. Pat has a stuffed lion!!! He’s a puppet!! Jokes from the lion!! Pat’s shed his button down shirt- and has on a blue Superman T-shirt, by the way, oh so very appropriate. Pat is reading the jokes as the lion. Rawr. Now people are writing puns on lions for the lion. I still have my wicked cough. I feel like a ten year old. I usually do, just now, I look a little more like how I feel. Later, I kind of want to order everything on this menu. I’m hungrier than Kevin Sorbo lusting after Liz Lemon’s last name.
Apparently two other people are talking about Kevin Sorbo on Twitter, but completely separately from the trending jokes about him happening simultaneously. Kevin Sorbo apparently hosted something called 12 Biggest Lies. Lets see what some of those lies could be. Is that a real thing? Or is that one of the lies? It’s so cold out here I can’t write. I’m just waiting for my batteries to get to 100% (from 61%) and then I can go back in where it’s warm, and hopefully wake up a little. Although I want to pop out for some breakfast soon too- or at least some hot chocolate. Mmmmm. Dear second wind- please come soon. Love, Amanda. Mark Andrada is having a nap on the couch. In his coat. It’s freezing in here. I wish they’d close the door. I’m wearing gloves. Have to take them off to type though. Okay, bye.
Mark’s nap lasted all of three point five four minutes. 13 hours! Golf claps. Mark is making me tea. Mark is my favourite. Pat is still talking about Tit Night. I’m not sure how that started, but it was awhile ago. Something about Kevin Sarbo’s agent. The sun is slowly coming up. The batteries are slowly being charged. Basically my routine is I get about three hours in the theatre, and then spend two hours out at the bar. The two hours out here always feel like an eternity. Although I’m enjoying this tea a lot.
Recap: Kevin Sorbo is the worst, the WORST human being left. He’s not invited to tit night. We’re all walking around like zombies around here. Nodding at each other with solemn eyes. We’re all waiting for the second wind I think. Or the red bull. Or the booze train to start up again. Or both. Merciful Gary closed the door! And the peasants rejoiced. Lettuce. Lettuce all rejoice. Knock Knock.
Just returned from a brief visit to Tim Hortons. Still cold. There’s about nine of us in here, and the jokes are coming in really slow- we had some shitty children’s shows. I was going to write one about shitty Sharon, Lois and Bram- but I don’t have a pen or any paper. I’ve gone completely paperless for this Live Blogging thing, I don’t even have my signature pink notebook with me! Welcome to the 21st Century, Amanda. Even after tons of of sugar and caffeine, I still feel like I could sleep for a million years. Pat is reading Johnny Carson and Don Rickles quotes. We need some fresh blood up in here, I think. It’s almost 8:30am. We just need to get inspired, says Pat, and move on to a different topic. Pat’s going live on the radio in a few moments. Now he’s talking on his cell phone… “I’ve convinced several Americans that the Peter Mansbridge is a sex move.” Haha. Good one.
Chris Bosh may be the next victim of The Pat Thornton Show. He started a children’s clothing line- Bosh Kosh Bosh Gosh. Pat is reading his 99 Problems joke again. Awwww. Marmalade and Luba Goy. I’ve missed you. Them’s were simpler times. 13 hours ago.
“Is anyone going to eat this ice rink?”- Sorbo at Nathan Phillip’s Square. Rob Ford got his brother elected to parliament for BROvember. ROB!!!!! GROW A MOUSTASHE!! RECAP. Apparently Raven Simone lost out her role in Gremlins IV to Will Smith. Too bad. Kevin Sorbo has bees floating around in his head and some in his mouth. He keeps trying to get invited to Tit Night. Rap Grimace was a big deal that Pat wouldn’t mind seeing come back. The blind kid has been taken on terrible adventures. Sorbo has a dead man’s foot that he’s been using as a shoe and a phone for awhile. Mustard Andrew gave rise to Ketchup Phillip, Brett Relish and a whole slew of other condiment characters.
Rob Ford no longer has eggs in his pants, he ate them…
We had a quick dance party. I danced crazy in my pajamas. I’m sure Waylen would be proud if he was here…
Jobs Kevin Sorbo Has failed At 1. Bee Keeper 2. Actor 3. Snake charmer 4. Being Hercules FOREVER.
Brett Relish is walking around telling people that he killed Osama. How are we doing for money? Anything come in? Anything come in? Kevin Sorbo likes to lick the bottom of people’s chins. He also ate his own hair. ANYONE HAVE A JOKE FOR ME!?
For some reason Pat is saying his knock knock jokes in a high pitched voice- and we have been responding in kind. 15 HOURS. “I am not a bed wetter”- Nine year old Richard Nixon. Are you ready for a joke that Gary hates!? YES. YES, ALWAYS. “The vice president is Sloppy Joe Biden.”- #nineyearoldpresident. Pat just explained why “election” would be a funny word to nine year olds. Wow. I’m so slow on writing this blog entry. I must be tired. I keep zoning out and staring into space. I dunno how Pat is still going like the energizer bunny. I’ve also, apparently, completely forgotten how to spell. “The only thing worse than Kevin Sorbo eating my curtains is Jay Leno watching me shower.”
What Pat needs right now: Just like a lot of good stuff. Nine hours worth. People are telling Pat to invite people to come down here. AND YOU SHOULD. COME TO COMEDY BAR. COME WRITE JOKES. COME ON, NEW BLOOD. DIS DA PLACE TO BE.
Everything’s happening. Kevin Sorbo, if you are watching, come on down and we’ll pay you in bees. “I’m declaring war on Tristan”, #nineyearoldpres. Sorbo’s New Year’s Eve Party Invitaton, Pat can’t breathe. Day: December 4th. Place: wherever you’re going. Dress Code: Wet chin.
Hey look! It’s Mikaela Dyke! Well… you can’t see her. But I can. She’s sitting right beside me. Fresh blood. Seriously dudes, I expect to see all you funny people here over the next 8.5 hours. And I expect new jokes. NEW. JOKES. Pat is telling us about meeting his brother in High School to go see Fiddler on the Roof, all dressed up in a suit, with a bolo tie.
You will not lick my chin today, Sorbo.
“I have immunity from boner police, right?”- Nine year old president.
I’m just going to close my eyes for a bit while you guys write jokes about funny brooches. Kevin Sorbrooch. <- PAT. GENIUS. Apparently last year someone from New York was celebrating his 50th birthday party and was at the 24 Hour Stand Up, drunk and with no one he knew and he rolled in the garbage all over the stage. Weird. Okay. Closing my eyes. Pat just tried to see “I am into it” and ended up saying “I am intimate.” Sorboner Police- Come Out With Your Necks Up!! Not gonna work, Sorbo. I can’t believe we’re still telling jokes about Kevin Sorbo.
Oh good, Kate Middleton and Prince William just got in on the joke action. They deserve it for getting engaged. I’ve been awake for… almost 24 hours… I’m in training for someday watching the entirety of a Die Nasty Soap-a-thon. Right now I feel like I’m losing the battle. HAHAHA. Hazel McCallion is so old she was around when it was just Miss. Auga. We’re all waiting to see if Kevin Sorbo, on Twitter, makes any mention of his status as a trending topic… and the hundreds of burns by the comedians of Toronto that have led to his sudden rise in popularity.
“Age: 50ish Occupation: Chin Licker Other Residents of Household: Six bees and a dead man’s foot.” Census Kevin Sorbo.
More jokes that Gary hates…. Madonna’s pussy is in the woods.
Sorbs can’t muster the strength to break a crayon…. Tristan offers to help. Kim Campbell was the first female Prime Minister of Canada. Too bad.
Pat, as a bear, is holding a press conference, with open questions from the audience, regarding THE WOODS.
Oh man, Pat’s niece, who is so little and cute, just gave him a joke to read. Adorable. Why did the lion cross the road? To get to the other house. BOOM.
On that note of adorable… I’m going to post this salute to crazytown. Bye!

Live Blog #3: Exhaustion and Delirium

kevin sorbo and pat thornton
Okay peeps, it is 3am and this is the start of LIVE BLOG #3. For three am the crowd in here is pretty solid. Time for Fuzzy Peaches! Pat, when he can’t read the joke on the first try: “Fuck. Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. What time is it?” We’re getting a lot of Shitty the Riddler jokes… and some Transformers 3 jokes as well. And Kevin Sarbo is still starring.
Time for some SNAPS! Forward by Quincy Jones- wild. Which Chapters do we want? Poor snaps or teeth snaps? By claps. It’s Pretty close. “We’re going to read all the snaps guys.” Steve Fisher is sleepy. Pat is explaining these snaps to an unresponsive crowd. Are we that sleepy? Or are they just not funny? “That’s all the teeth snaps, they suck.” Someone on twitter made a cartoon of Mustard Andrew! Awesome!
Sometimes we’re just laughing at the one dude who is laughing at the joke. But that’s kind of joyful and lovely in its own way too. “Hey I was thinking… (silence)”- The Wizard of Pause. “Wait up, guys, this mask doesn’t have eyeholes!”- Shitty the Riddler. “Yeah I know my teeth are yellow, what are you stupid?!”- Mustard Andrew. YEAH.
Ripple me, chips! I love jokes referencing jokes from six hours ago. Wood Puss is back. Now introducing Shitty and Titty the Fiddler. “Transformers Free?” I love the anticipation of everyone knowing the punch line. Kevin Sorbo. “How can you get Kevin Sorbo to leave a Coffee Time? … If you know, give me a call.” Good job, Internet, says Pat. The best is still when Pat laughs at the jokes. Especially when he has to stop reading them to compose himself. #Joy. Pat just did all the jokes on his chair, then tried his pop can (empty) and now for some poor snaps.
Your father’s so poor, he can’t afford to pay attention. Your family is so poor you’re whole family goes trick or treating on Thanksgiving. What? That’s just stupid! That’s not a poor thing, it’s just on the wrong day! “I think Kevin Sorbo is the next big thing”- Shitty Bette Midler. We’re all dying from laughter from a Hook reference Kevin Sorbo joke. I just giggled just because Pat said Piddler. Hair Snaps. Not memorable enough to mention.
The Wings Beneath My Wings: Hits of Bette Midler. Just a fact. That’s okay. Pat says: “You can just write down things you know. I just need to say stuff. I don’t know everyone’s middle names here… we could do that.” Transformers III: Rob Ford eats a lesbian on a bike. WHAT!?!?? “Can I get more crackers?” Pat cracks up. “No, you didn’t order anything.”- Kevin Sorbo trying to get free crackers at Tim Horton’s. He’s still laughing.
“My middle name is Wonderwoman”- Shitty the Riddler. I think we’re all delirious. 2011 Pat does 24 hours of Stand Up to raise money for Kevin Sorbo. Molly online wants a 5 minute Kevin Sorbo monologue. We have to agree on a price first. “I’m not Kevin Sorbo, if I was I’d just eat this paper and go home, and by home I mean just outside I guess.” Pat’s $25.00 away from his goal!!!! It’s 3:52am. The jokes are literally coming in one at a time at this point. We want to hear from Quincy Jones.
Pat reads to us from Quincy Jones’ Forward from the Snap book. Quincy is talking about Griots. Did Quincy Jones make up Griot? Pat wants to know. Because he uses it a lot. “Every time a Griot died it was like another library burning down.” Please don’t let the Griots die. There were instances of Griots who traveled with troubadours. Talking about Yo’ Mama comes from slavery. Insulting your momma was intended to make you feel like the Dirty Dozen, the lowest of the slaves. 10 HOURS. Okay— says Pat, “what’s happening with these Griots!?!?”
PAT JUST MET HIS GOAL AND WANTS WATER. It is 3:58am. He was pushed over by Internet Molly. Chants of NEW GOAL NEW GOAL. The NEW GOAL IS 10,000. (DONATE HERE) YAY FOR PAT- seriously- someone just screamed that. DANCE PARTY!!!! I’m already fantasying about breakfast. 5 minute Sorbo monologue. He’s just a beefcake with a dream when he moved to LA. He watched a lot of Three Stooges while working on Hercules. Mark is playing very dream like epic movie music which is swelling dramatically under the monologue. Pat is just making stuff up; Sorbo bought all sorts of expensive stuff and then threw it out. Including his jewelled jeans. It got rough for him. He moved into his brother, Mike Sorbo’s, place, and started doing a lot of drugs, like 80 or 90 Children’s Asprin a day. So he lived in a van for a bit- with no wheels- and he let it get wet—sorry- he lived in a box, but he wrote VAN on the side of it so that the cops, who are all scientists, would leave him alone. He was eating garbage, the whole time, really, but now he’s racing snakes to garbage cans, he’s just trying to get a snack- but he can’t fucking do it. Just can’t fucking do it, man.
“What’s my recipe? I just put some salt in this puddle.”- Kevin Sorbo expecting has company. Every time a Griot dies, Kevin Sorbo tries to eat their stories. HA. “Do I know how to spin some bullshit about Griots or do I know how to spin some bullshit about Griots?!”- Quincy Jones. You’re in the WOODS, Q. Jay. Do you think anyone calls him that? Asks Pat, Q. Jay? “Can you autograph my copy of Can’t Hardly Wait? I licked off the first autograph.” Kevin Sorbo to Seth Green. “I’m still alone out here!”- blind kid. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Let’s save that blind kid. Let’s make that our goal for the end, says Pat.
“This is either a shovel or a big spoon”- Shitty the Bob the Builder.” I smell pastries what’s going on down there”- Sorbs. This is only funny if you know that about an hour ago Pat was eating a pastry. Oh, and he just said, “Suck on that, Q Jay.”
“Hey guys did you see me on Dexter?”- Kevin Sorbo talking in his sleep. We are all laughing until we collectively choked about a free Tibet joke- “If you have a sign saying “Free Tibet, don’t get mad that people are coming around looking to eat a Tibet.” Seriously, this audience is dying of laughter. Crying. Stomping. At jokes that barely make sense. Hyper sleep deprivation, it’s like a jokefest slumber party where everything is hysterical just because it is 4:00am. Best. Best. Best. “Somebody complains about bedbugs, I’m just glad someone is paying attention to me”- Kevin Sorbo. To Candyland from Kevin Sorbo: “Tell me how to get there for reals.”
Are we talking about the Cheese Twenty Griots!? YES. AWE.SOME. Sorbs and Snipes. Oh, those men. Waylen just turned to me after Pat said “How many pubes can I get for a loincloth” and said, “Really? This is what you’re doing with your life now?” Waylen should be writing jokes.
Funniest Jokes in the World by Amelia. Construction paper title page with staples
Knock Knock. Who’s there? Ben and Doris. Ben and Doris Who? Been knocking all morning and the door is stuck.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Dog. Dog who? Dog I don’t see you.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Pumpkin? Pumpkin who? What?
Knock Knock. Who’s there? Trash can. Trash can who? I put my house in a trash can. PAT: I hope Sorbo finds that trash can, because he could really use that house.
The snake beats Sorbo to the house. The snake always wins.
Knock Knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange I see you.
These are the jokes that make you fall down. Golf claps.
“Excuse me, ma’am did you just take a picture of me shitting in a garbage can? That’ll be 20 dollars.”- Sorbo.
“Ya’ll Gonna Make Me Sound Like Wind”- Sound Eff DMX-
“Ya’ll gonna make me lose my land line?”- Shitty telephone reception DMX
I am dreaming of breakfast. It is 4:40am. “I can’t believe I didn’t get invited to that snake’s house warming party!”- Sorbo, ladies and gentleman! He’s having a rough one tonight. “Hey kid, it’s me Kevin Sorbo, in the bushes, I’m going to need you to get me some clothes and some food and some (cracks up) some auditions.” Crowd looses their minds. Pat would like to see that scene in a movie.
Mark, from the booth, delighted, “Hey buddy. Kevin Sorbo is now trending on twitter. (laughs, even more delighted), and I updated his Wiki page…” There are drunk people out at the bar yelling their reactions to the jokes too- which don’t entirely make sense to me. Waylen thinks that there should be duelling fundraisers- one in the theatre and one at the bar. Could be an idea for next year. WOW. Pat’s 24 Hour Stand Up is trending on Twitter WORLDWIDE. It’s #7 is Canada. Pat says to this, “That’s hot.” He’s Paris Hilton all of a sudden- that’s what happens when you become famous.
“I’m taking the red eye to LA. That’s my slang for “crawling over to that thing that might be a cheezie.”- Sorbo.
11 hours. Wow. An hour away from halfway. Pat seems thrilled.
Steve Fisher to me at 5am: You still gonna be here at noon? Me: (dazed) Uhuh. I can’t wait to see him in seven hours just because I am curious what state of delirium I will be in by then.
Winnie the Pooh Fanfiction. Written by Pat Thornton. The Rainy Day. Pat offers to drive Winnie the Pooh to The Thinking Place in his zipcar, which he thinks is wicked. They meet Piglet and go to Wendy’s and to the movies, but Piglet can’t go to the movie because it’s in 3D and that makes him dizzy. Awwww. Then he went swimming with some different friends. The End.
Boston Pizza is in the woods!! OH!!!!! This joke takes place at a gambling casino… just to narrow it down… I love that the jokes from the published joke books are worse than the ones from the exhausted audience members who have been awake all night… what does that say about the state of comedy in Canada?
My favourite moment of the night so far- Biker looking dude at the bar eating nachos, not paying any attention to the monitor or to Pat… quietly to himself: “… Kevin Sorbo.”

Live Blog#2: Subversive, Shocking Pat Thornton Rolls into 3am!

pat thornton
It’s 11:30pm, I just changed my battery settings to power saver, let’s see how long before I have to back out to my spot at the bar. There is now a Jersey Shore Grimace. Also, calling Luba Goy the “Lube” is an oxymoron- dry, dry DRY. Pat’s on a riff about broken crayons. I heard this from out at the bar about a half hour ago, well, I just heard Pat scream “BROKEN CRAYON!!!” No idea. It always takes about fifteen minutes to catch up… or at least until he does another recap for the Internets. I think it’s time to break out the Fuzzy Peaches. I’m opening the bag with my teeth while Pat tells me some of his 99 problems. Thesse fuzzy peaches are child proof. Fuck. There are way more people here now. It is almost packed. The crowd is loving these point form problems- which say things like “at this point I will most def miss the Mcrib” and How I Met Your Mother Sucks Now. The last two are #98 Tax Evasion and #99 I am Wesley Snipes. Golden.
“Put your jokes at the bottom of the pile or I’ll sit on your face”- Luba Goy. We’re still doing Wesley, Goy and Simone jokes. The marmalade and Rob Ford jokes seem to have simmered down. Now there’s a bunch with the hashtag #nineyearoldpresident. “I’m not Muslim”- #nineyearoldopresident. “he’s totally muslim”- #nineyearoldvicepresident. Luba Goy asked her OBGYN if he could turn her vagina in a real boy. “How can I change this country if you keep kicking me in the nuts?”- nine year old president.
WHOA. JON BLAIR BURN. The first thing Rob Ford will do in office is fart for ten minutes. SIX HOURS. Pat needs some water, which is fetched for him. He then eats a banana. When will we examine allegations of Cheese Twenty deliciousness? “I’m glad Cheese 20 is back, folks.”-Pat Thornton. Nine year old president does not care about black liquorice. The girls’ bathroom here spells kinda like Fun Dip. What? Who’s here? These jokes are getting really good! Mostly different kinds of Grimaces. There’s also a bunch of Paddington Puns. “Why do people think I’m creepy?”- Paddington Stare. “Yes We CAN eat waffles for dinner.”- 9 year old President. M. Night Shyamalan sucks. The Broadway dork doesn’t know enough pop culture references to give Pat’s set 100% justice… these comedians are too cool for me.
9 year old president has a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Policy about his pubes. “I did not have sexual relations with that Buzz Lightyear toy.” I think it will be later revealed that he did. “George Stroumboulopoulos is here: could someone please please please introduce me?”- Kevin Sorbo. “Luba Goy tricked me into sex.”- Paddington Snair. I like when Pat starts giggling in the middle of reading the jokes- especially when he does it twice. “It’s called Air Force fun now!”- Nine year old president. Luba Goy vagina is so dry, there’s a yak skeleton on it. A yak skeleton. The skeletal remains of a yak.
“Why is my penis wooden?”- Nine year old Luba Boy. My god. MARK: Hey, Pat, a bunch of people are wondering what’s going on. Maybe a recap? Pat: RECAP! 1. Wesley has scrambled eggs in his pants and tax problems 2. Ford has scrambled eggs in his pants and is shit at everything 3. There was a feud between Rap Grimace and Paddington Bear- which has now devolved into a lot of random words. 4. Tristan is a six year old who breaks crayons who was written in joke book by another kid named Ryan 5. Kevin Sorbo is out of work and is trying to steal everyone’s jobs. 6. There’s a 9 year old president. 7. Lettuce Robertson/Robinson is the Chief of police. 8. Raven Simone is playing a Lady Gremlin in Gremlins 4. 9. Lucy Zilio inspires regular masturbation- just boring regular masturbation- from men who hate themselves and their dicks. “Did I mention Luba Goy’s vagina is made of wood and dryer than the desert? Because that’s important.”
I’m an old French philosopher that nobody gets- Paddington Voltaire. Win. Huge roar.
Man, last night we got so drunk, we can’t find our friend the yak skeleton. Pat has to brace himself on the chair. I’m sure he’s okay. Kevin Sorbo keeps asking if he can host Sunday Night Live. Ashton Kutcher’s socks and Rap Grimace are both trending on Twitter. “My skateboard is the new minister of transport”- President Dude. Funky wizard just came out of nowhere. So random. There was also an awesome mention of Wesley Snapes- Potions Professor at Hogwarts. Obviously that was for the dorks in the audience. “I sold my hair just for other cut off hair”- Kevin Sorbo. There’s a running gag about Sorbo befriending a blind kid- and then ditching him. “Sorbs are you still there?”- Blind Kid to Lamppost. “Help, I’ve Fallen and Can’t Get up”- The Economy. Whoa. That got real.
“Fuck 9 year old John Wilkes Booth”- nine year old Lee Harvey Oswald.
Oh man, it’s only 12:46 and I’m already feeling a little lightheaded- in a sort of uproarious way though. Taking a little battery charging break. Going to check out some of the Twitter action. It’s only 12:49am and Pat Thornton is already at 97% of his goal! ($55 bucks short of $8,000). WOW. That’s extraordinary. Go and donate now and help him make mincemeat of his goals and give the Stephen Lewis Foundation an asshat worth of well deserved cash for an extraordinarily good cause. I don’t know why I’m so uncreative with my adjectives and adverbs just now… let’s see if that gets worse or better as the time rolls on… Steve Fisher told me that he was going to have to take Torontoist work breaks tonight amid Pat’s stand up because he has a lot of serious work to complete in the next few days. I just witnessed his process! It’s called Big Buck Hunter III. Whatever works.
I can’t see anything, as far as audience are concerned, but according to Twitter, which is the authority on these things, George Stroumboulopoulos and Scott Thompson are here. Which is pretty awesome. I wonder what other Canadian celebrities will show up as the hours roll along? Although… Luba Goy may not want to show up… it could be awkward to listen to six straight hours of jokes at the expense of your wooden, dry vagina…
Pat has taken to responding to “stupid things Rob Ford does” with “ROB!!! THAT’S NOT THE WAY IT’S DONE!” There’s also a new character to add to our ongoing sega- Mustard Andrew. It’s last call at the bar. Eeeek. This is going to be the long haul, methinks. Good thing I have candy. Might have to pop out in the morning for some caffeine and some breakfast foods. Trollvember. Hahaha. Pat just screamed “GROW A MUSTASHE!!” You know who else is here? The lovely Kylee Evans.
I’ve never actually seen the Comedy Bar menu before… it’s all colourful and fun looking. Kylee and I are obsessing over this menu. Gary’s Luau Burger- “If you eat meat, you will love it! It’s the most expensive thing on the menu.”- Kylee Evans. Likely because I never sit at the bar- but I am now because I can charge my battery and watch Pat at the same time! Bliss, I tell you, BLISS. I’m sad that I missed the beginning of the Colonial Mustard Andrew joke. Shit. There’s a lot of Mustard Andrew jokes happening and more “ROB- MUSTACHE!” screaming.
Two time Dora Award winner Waylen Miki has started talking about the New Order. It is going to be a long night. Waylen has murdered me and disposed of my body in the woods. Edit: Waylen wishes that he had murdered me I am boring the pants off him. Guess that’s to be expected. He says he wishes I was dead because that would prove that he’s actively pursuing and working obviously within the career that he’s chosen, rather than just waiting for me to die of natural causes. Waylen Miki has approved this blog.

Live Blog #1: Rob Ford vs. Marmalade.

pat thornton and grimace
It’s 8pm and I am at comedy bar, blogging to you live from where I’m attempting to find a plug in the dark without uprooting the whole room, Sorry, Yes. Hi. It’s 8pm and I’m at Comedy Bar where I am writing from The Pat Thornton Show, where Torontonian funny man Pat Thornton is endeavouring to do stand up comedy for 24 hours straight to raise an exorbitant amount of money to support the Stephen Lewis Foundation battle against AIDS in Africa. He’s already been here for two hours, and the house is pretty solidly filled. So- the way this works is that Pat is up onstage and the audience is filled with comedians and joke wielding community minded citizens who are writing jokes, one liners and sometimes random musings or odd sequences of words, on pieces of paper, which are then passed up to Thornton and read, unedited, uncensored, limited judgement… and then the pieces of paper are crumbled and thrown onto the stage- assuming that they may engulf him by 6pm tomorrow night (which is when he is stopping this insanity!)
So, what the fuck am I doing? I have no idea. Two years ago when I was still in school (doing my MA in Drama Studies) we did this ridiculous cabaret based on Futurism, which none of us entirely understood. It was basically a gong show, we assumed, I think correctly, just for the sake of being a gong show. We saw a phone ring from inside Sasha Von Bon Bon’s vagina (seriously. And you can never un-see that, I swear to God), someone attacked a table with a hatchet and threatened to go batshit on the audience… there was a HUGE papier mache Stephen Harper head… anyway, and my friend, also named Sasha, sat at her laptop for the entire three hour show and typed the whole time, stream of consciousness, and the typing was projected on a screen on the stage so the audience could follow along with it. And the idea of “live blogging” was the only concept that I took from my entire three months in-depth study on futurism- and I’ve wanted to try it with comedy shows for awhile now. Especially comedy shows that extend over an insanely long time period- assuming that with the mixture of alcohol and sleep deprivation- the stream of consciousness, unedited, uncensored blogging could end up being a sort of gong show of its own- but perhaps absurdly, it will also have the ability to capture the ambiance of the event. I don’t know. This could be the most boring thing I have ever posted. It could have a cult following to rival The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I have no idea. But I’m hell bent on trying it, whatever it is, so buckle your seatbelts and get ready for live blogs. Six blogs. One every four hours. Uncensored. Uncut. Unpredictable. LETS DO THIS.
Okay, so… Rob Ford and Marmalade and scramble eggs down Raven Simone’s pants. That’s been the gist of the stand up so far…
The last joke that Pat read from the Internet was so bad, he’s just started doing his own material. Oh. We’re starting on Missouri jokes. There’s a whole gaggle of people here, and five laptops… three people on five laptops and a video camera and a printer. Gremlins IV rumours have started. It’s hard to write down the jokes fast enough as Pat says them. Jokes don’t get started with Once Upon a Time… that’s a fairytale. If a joke started with Once Upon a Time, what would the punch line be? Inessa Frantowski is wearing a super cute dress. She’s one of the comedians in the audience writing jokes. I’m in the back and it’s dark so it’s hard to know who else is here. I’ll try to update you with celebrity sightings though as the night progresses. “Is that a meatloaf wearing jeans? Nope. Ford eggs scrambled.” Here are things you have to know 1. Scrambled eggs in Ford pants 2. Wesley Snipes tax problems 3. Missouri is garbage 4. Marmalade is the worst thing in the world 5. Raven Simone is going to star in Gremlins 4. 6. Parmville is like Farmville where all you farm is parmesan cheese.
“FUCK YOU, MARMALADE, I hope you feel it in your citrusy face.” I can’t believe I spelled citrusy correct on the first go. Leave it to me to muse about spelling. If you’re just tuning it, when Rob Ford is eating garbage it looks like he might be jerking off…
“Chinuary- is like Movember, but it’s for Chins. Rob Ford still sucks his egg dicks. Yup, I said egg dick.” This is where rumours get started. Luba Goy is a ninja turtle. Raven Simone plays Farmville. Welcome back to the party. “Luba Goy having a wood vag jokes are accepted here.” When Chinuary roles around, Jay Leno acts like a real cocky dick. Some of these jokes make no sense. Monopoly? Marmalade? What?
Pat’s response to random girls telling him their problems on the bus is, “ugh, sorry you know me from TV or whatever…” Pat can’t believe he’s going after marmalade tonight. I’m already cold. I’ve broken out my sweatshirt. It’s deaf people, Pat, not DEAD people… Pat’s kind of ruined the disabled joke.
Have you ever tried to eat chips instead of a meal? Don’t do it on the subway because it’s you at your least attractive. Pat is part raccoon as it turns out. Seriously, if you fuck up a batch of jam, don’t give it another name and continue on as if nothing happened. Pat keeps saying, “Someone call the CBC!” Is anyone actually calling? Can we prank call the CBC? MTV= My Terrified Vagina (only when Rob Ford is approaching it). Is karma laid something? (cue: an hour of jokes centering on making Karma Laid a thing) “It is the night when nothing is everything and everything sucks.”- Pat Thornton everybody!
We’re at 500 cash! On the Interweb, $6,045. Golf claps. I like the way Pat crumples and tosses the jokes that don’t land well. Or don’t land at all. Into space, bad jokes!
Pat starts reading Lettuce Jokes written by First Graders:
Knock Knock. Who’s There? Lettuce. Lettuce Who. Lettuce, I love you.
Knock Knock. Who’s there. Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in we’re soggy. (Nice!)
Knock knock. Who’s there. Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce out of the house it’s burning. (it’s rare that you would knock to get out, but that’s what happening here.)
Knock Knock. Who’s there. Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce koo-who.
Knock Knock. Who’s there. Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in the nest. Koo-who. (which kid copied?)
Can we get some lettuce jokes trending on twitter?
Lettuce Jokes from the audience:
Knock Knock. Who’s there. Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce see your bank statements, Snipes, we’re coming for you!
Rob Ford… more like GERALD FORD. We’re calling you out, Ford, we want to see your bread legs next week in the SUN. Apparently, earlier in the night The CBC guy came and pointed a camera at Pat and he said a joke about Rob Ford being ten talking hamburgers in a trench coat. Which is funny because Rob Ford doesn’t wear trench coats.
Sarah Palin’s crotch smells like a pelican’s beak. You heard it here first, folks!
Pat says, “I got nowhere with this last year, I’m just going to describe Ziggy cartoons. No one liked it last year. But I really like it, so I’m going to go with it again.” First Try: Pat forgets to mention the vegetable garden. Tries it again. Describes better. “What kind of life does Ziggy have?! Every situation is a compromise with a weird animal!!!” Listen guys, I hope everyone doesn’t think we’re just on a Ziggy break here. So… there’s a gorilla wearing a beret that has come to Ziggy’s door…. Pat is intellectualizing Ziggy. He’s just nice! He’s not stupid! Pat is standing up for Ziggy passionately.
CBC more like Crunchy Bieber Cereal. (silence). Maybe back to Ziggy? Why did Jay Leno cross the road? Because he heard that Conan O’Brien was on the other side of the road and he decided he wanted the other side because he’s a douche. Free target practice at Leatherface all night.
Regular Chips, you’re all the way in the woods now. It’s going to get shitty for you. Pat might eat a banana in a bit. What do you think of that?
You guys like TV? You like movies?? You like eating stuff? I don’t have a joke, just market research…
Pat reads joke from the audience. Demands rewrite.
TLC, if you’re out there, give some money. “Are people out there watching this, Mark?” Mark Andrada pipes up in a quiet matter of fact tone, “yup”. Apparently 64 people out there are watching this RIGHT NOW. Golf claps.
Lettuce, not a good cure for herpes. You heard it here first, folks. Solid advice, from Pat Thornton.
Knock Knock. Who’s there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce rejoice. Hm. I think the 6 year olds were better.
Pat went to the bathroom in the mall the other day. He doesn’t know why he’s telling everyone this. Hooker fart. That happened.
Pat is just up here, heckling the hell out of marmalade. Ely has nachos. They are delicious. Yum. Come here for the nachos and the jokes. People on the internet, feel free to just send in good ideas. Jar Jar Binks and Rob Ford get married, and instead of wedding cake they have wedding marmalade. Pat says, “I’d go, I wouldn’t like it but I’d go because sooner or later they’d play “Gettin’ Jiggy With It” and that’s my jam. Not my marmalade.”
The “Your dick is so wide” jokes have started. As Pat points out, that’s really the best burn ever, “Your dick is so big…” way to REALLY rip someone…
Pat just read a joke made up of random word associations… and then when it didn’t land because it made zero sense he said, “Did I do that right?” Well… there are lots of different kinds of jokes.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls jokes are happening.
“Wait, let me get this straight. I donated online. I paid to get in. AND I write the jokes? This is the worst gig EVER!!”- disgruntled, anonymous audience member.
The chicken has arrived. “The secret of the ooze made the ninja turtles, the secret of the marmalade made the fords.” I can get behind that.
I’ve been here for one hour. And Pat is still burning Rob Ford and Marmalade. I love Pat’s face when the joke actually makes zero sense. So much judgement. No words.
Pat: Knock Knock. Audience: Who’s there? Pat: Owls Go. Audience: Owls go wh- (realization)-ooh. (palpable judgement) Pat: Yes, I will read ANYTHING.
Pat just put a joke that made no sense in his pocket. We’ll see if that comes back to bite us later.
If I said Leatherface= Susan Boyle is that a burn on Leatherface on Susan Boyle? If I said Lettuce Face= Susan Boyle is THAT a burn on Susan Boyle? Or “Lettuce Face”? From (I think) Sarah Hillier: That’s a bigger burn on Susan Boyle because you’re saying that she’s worse than Lettuce Face that looking like her is a burn on Lettuce Face. Pat discusses the merits of Hillier’s argument. Someone else points out that Hillier is right- unless it’s a backwards burn on Lettuce Face. Pat then discusses the merits of the backwards burn argument. Over analyzed comedy for the win.
What’s the difference between acne and Catholic priests? Acne usually comes on a boy’s face AFTER he turns twelve. OOOOOOOOOOOH. Acne… is acne in the woods on that one?
It just took me waaaaaaaaaaay too long to get a “huge paws” bear in a bar joke. Paws, you’re in the woods. So am I, I think… except no one knows. Well… no one knows until they read this. It’s way too early in the night for me to be that dense.
Hey midget bible, you’re in the woods! Rob Ford wants to get rid of unnecessary taxes and by “unnecessary taxes” he means immigrants. Guys, midgets are in the shrubs. Oh man. What does Rob Ford and a pirate have in common? They both put their junk in a big wooden box… Luba Goy.
Knock Knock. Who’s there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce Robertson, Chief of Police. I’ve found your son.
Pat has a fictional arch nemesis named Juanita. “McDonald’s if you and I are going to stay friends, you’re going to have to stop talking about your mysterious ‘beef machine’.”- Pat Thornton.
“Don’t go, Jason Waterfalls. My friend has a bet with me, you’re Native.” Pat has some jokes on his phone. And someone wrote good luck on his wall. It’s nice that we can all share these intimate moments with one another thanks to the magic of technology. Pat’s talking about freezer head when he eats ice cream. Pat’s miming how his sister eats ice cream (savouring it), someone in the audience is providing the orgasm soundtrack. “That’s my sister, guys.” Pat tells the crowd to try a little better after reading a piece of paper of a submitted joke that just said “egg pants”
Who wants to start a band with Pat called Wood Puss?
Don’t go training thunder balls- more advice from Lettuce Robertson. Don’t go tracing wonderbras. Don’t go racist, waterfalls. Don’t go tasting otter balls. Pat is rambling on whether a cantaloupe can only not get married in secret, or whether they could get married in a large ceremony their parents are invited to… only if they could afford it of course…
Someone in the audience just asked someone else in the audience, “Where did marmalade come from?” I think that’s what we all want to know. Don’t go chasing Dufferin Mall. That place is garbage. Don’t go tasting Whoppers, ya’ll (huge roar) “hold on, hold on, it gets better.” Sincerely, Rap Grimace. Pat wants to see more from Rap Grimace, Internet!
There was just a Sound of Music marmalade yodel reference. Sometimes I just laugh at the way that Pat tells the joke, even if it’s not funny at all. Don’t go blaming Biggie Smalls, I caused all that rap battle shit, Yours sincerely, Rap Grimace. All the boys here have intense porn video stashes. Pretty awesome. #movember. Rap Gramice sold out when he did that Broadway revival of The Color Purple.
Don’t vote Cheney, over all. That’s the biggest stretch ever. Can’t even see the waterfall from where we are now. No one knows what’s up with Rap Grimace, he just rules- Pat is explaining things to the Internet people. The woods are owned by Oprah. We got this? We got this?
It’s 10pm. Have you driven a Ford lately? So… the whole Ford Company is now in the woods. I still don’t have a plug. We can go for 20 more hours, right? Apparently Gary can’t remember his own joke- but Mark to the rescue! There is so much technology in this room. There’s cords everywhere. Mark is being a superstar trying to make the live streaming work faster. All the joys of live shows.
Now for a serious message from Pat Thornton: He doesn’t care how bad your jokes are, Internet! there’s no such thing as writer’s block. Who cares!? Who cares!? He will read it!
So, I’ve found a plug out near the bar, there’s a party going on out here too- all sorts of odd and interesting people milling about. I’m recharging my batteries and just reading over what I have written so far. So far I haven’t had any alcohol and it’s only quarter to eleven. So… tune in around 2am for the next blog, which is sure to be even more scatterbrained, giddy, outrageous, potentially offensive and overall ridiculous and perhaps a ginormous waste of time- BUT NOT IF YOUR DONATING TO HELP SUPPORT THE STEPHEN LEWIS FOUNDATION TO HELP THE FIGHT AGAINST THE AIDS PANDEMIC IN AFRICA. Get up off your ass, actually, you don’t even have to, just use the Internet and a credit card and sit on your ass while you donate, donate, donate!
You can watch the hysteria LIVE here. Do it. Or- even better- come here and party with us. Comedy Bar. 945 Bloor Street West. Stand Up straight til TUESDAY NOVEMBER 16th, 6pm. $5 (or more!) for a “come and go” button.
As an aside, every time I leave my laptop unattended for a second I’m afraid that someone is going to change my Facebook status to “I eat poo,” even when I’m not logged on… nevertheless… it’s probably a fair concern. Anyways. Come drop by. If you want the next blog to be funnier, buy me a drink!
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