{"id":522,"date":"2010-11-16T04:19:00","date_gmt":"2010-11-16T08:19:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/66.147.244.61\/~twisithe\/?p=522"},"modified":"2023-07-10T18:27:49","modified_gmt":"2023-07-10T21:27:49","slug":"live-blog-1-rob-ford-vs-marmalade","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.twisitheatreblog.com\/?p=522","title":{"rendered":"Live Blog #1: Rob Ford vs. Marmalade."},"content":{"rendered":"
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pat thornton and grimace<\/div>\n
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It\u2019s 8pm and I am at comedy bar<\/a>, blogging to you live from where I\u2019m attempting to find a plug in the dark without uprooting the whole room, Sorry, Yes. Hi. It\u2019s 8pm and I\u2019m at Comedy Bar where I am writing from The Pat Thornton Show<\/strong>, where Torontonian funny man Pat Thornton is endeavouring to do stand up comedy for 24 hours straight to raise an exorbitant amount of money to support the Stephen Lewis Foundation<\/a> battle against AIDS in Africa. He\u2019s already been here for two hours, and the house is pretty solidly filled. So- the way this works is that Pat is up onstage and the audience is filled with comedians and joke wielding community minded citizens who are writing jokes, one liners and sometimes random musings or odd sequences of words, on pieces of paper, which are then passed up to Thornton and read, unedited, uncensored, limited judgement… and then the pieces of paper are crumbled and thrown onto the stage- assuming that they may engulf him by 6pm tomorrow night (which is when he is stopping this insanity!) <\/div>\n
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So, what the fuck am I doing? I have no idea. Two years ago when I was still in school (doing my MA in Drama Studies) we did this ridiculous cabaret based on Futurism, which none of us entirely understood. It was basically a gong show, we assumed, I think correctly, just for the sake of being a gong show. We saw a phone ring from inside Sasha Von Bon Bon\u2019s vagina (seriously. And you can never un-see that, I swear to God), someone attacked a table with a hatchet and threatened to go batshit on the audience… there was a HUGE papier mache Stephen Harper head… anyway, and my friend, also named Sasha, sat at her laptop for the entire three hour show and typed the whole time, stream of consciousness, and the typing was projected on a screen on the stage so the audience could follow along with it. And the idea of \u201clive blogging\u201d was the only concept that I took from my entire three months in-depth study on futurism- and I\u2019ve wanted to try it with comedy shows for awhile now. Especially comedy shows that extend over an insanely long time period- assuming that with the mixture of alcohol and sleep deprivation- the stream of consciousness, unedited, uncensored blogging could end up being a sort of gong show of its own- but perhaps absurdly, it will also have the ability to capture the ambiance of the event. I don\u2019t know. This could be the most boring thing I have ever posted. It could have a cult following to rival The Rocky Horror Picture Show<\/em>. I have no idea. But I\u2019m hell bent on trying it, whatever it is, so buckle your seatbelts and get ready for live blogs. Six blogs. One every four hours. Uncensored. Uncut. Unpredictable. LETS DO THIS.<\/div>\n
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Okay, so… Rob Ford and Marmalade and scramble eggs down Raven Simone\u2019s pants. That\u2019s been the gist of the stand up so far… <\/div>\n
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The last joke that Pat read from the Internet was so bad, he\u2019s just started doing his own material. Oh. We\u2019re starting on Missouri jokes. There\u2019s a whole gaggle of people here, and five laptops… three people on five laptops and a video camera and a printer. Gremlins IV<\/em> rumours have started. It\u2019s hard to write down the jokes fast enough as Pat says them. Jokes don\u2019t get started with Once Upon a Time… that\u2019s a fairytale. If a joke started with Once Upon a Time, what would the punch line be? Inessa Frantowski is wearing a super cute dress. She\u2019s one of the comedians in the audience writing jokes. I’m in the back and it’s dark so it’s hard to know who else is here. I’ll try to update you with celebrity sightings though as the night progresses. \u201cIs that a meatloaf wearing jeans? Nope. Ford eggs scrambled.\u201d Here are things you have to know 1. Scrambled eggs in Ford pants 2. Wesley Snipes tax problems 3. Missouri is garbage 4. Marmalade is the worst thing in the world 5. Raven Simone is going to star in Gremlins 4<\/em>. 6. Parmville is like Farmville where all you farm is parmesan cheese. <\/div>\n
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\u201cFUCK YOU, MARMALADE, I hope you feel it in your citrusy face.\u201d I can\u2019t believe I spelled citrusy correct on the first go. Leave it to me to muse about spelling. If you\u2019re just tuning it, when Rob Ford is eating garbage it looks like he might be jerking off… <\/div>\n
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\u201cChinuary- is like Movember, but it\u2019s for Chins. Rob Ford still sucks his egg dicks. Yup, I said egg dick.\u201d This is where rumours get started. Luba Goy is a ninja turtle. Raven Simone plays Farmville. Welcome back to the party. “Luba Goy having a wood vag jokes are accepted here.\u201d When Chinuary roles around, Jay Leno acts like a real cocky dick. Some of these jokes make no sense. Monopoly? Marmalade? What?<\/div>\n
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Pat\u2019s response to random girls telling him their problems on the bus is, \u201cugh, sorry you know me from TV or whatever…\u201d Pat can\u2019t believe he\u2019s going after marmalade tonight. I\u2019m already cold. I\u2019ve broken out my sweatshirt. It\u2019s deaf people, Pat, not DEAD people… Pat\u2019s kind of ruined the disabled joke. <\/div>\n
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Have you ever tried to eat chips instead of a meal? Don\u2019t do it on the subway because it\u2019s you at your least attractive. Pat is part raccoon as it turns out. Seriously, if you fuck up a batch of jam, don\u2019t give it another name and continue on as if nothing happened. Pat keeps saying, \u201cSomeone call the CBC!\u201d Is anyone actually calling? Can we prank call the CBC? MTV= My Terrified Vagina (only when Rob Ford is approaching it). Is karma laid something? (cue: an hour of jokes centering on making Karma Laid a thing) \u201cIt is the night when nothing is everything and everything sucks.\u201d- Pat Thornton everybody! <\/div>\n
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We\u2019re at 500 cash! On the Interweb, $6,045. Golf claps. I like the way Pat crumples and tosses the jokes that don\u2019t land well. Or don\u2019t land at all. Into space, bad jokes! <\/div>\n
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Pat starts reading Lettuce Jokes written by First Graders:<\/div>\n
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Knock Knock. Who\u2019s There? Lettuce. Lettuce Who. Lettuce, I love you. <\/div>\n
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Knock Knock. Who\u2019s there. Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in we\u2019re soggy. (Nice!)<\/div>\n
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Knock knock. Who\u2019s there. Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce out of the house it\u2019s burning. (it\u2019s rare that you would knock to get out, but that\u2019s what happening here.)<\/div>\n
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Knock Knock. Who\u2019s there. Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce koo-who.<\/div>\n
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Knock Knock. Who\u2019s there. Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in the nest. Koo-who. (which kid copied?)<\/div>\n
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Can we get some lettuce jokes trending on twitter? <\/div>\n
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Lettuce Jokes from the audience:<\/div>\n
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Knock Knock. Who\u2019s there. Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce see your bank statements, Snipes, we\u2019re coming for you!<\/div>\n
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Rob Ford… more like GERALD FORD. We\u2019re calling you out, Ford, we want to see your bread legs next week in the SUN<\/em>. Apparently, earlier in the night The CBC guy came and pointed a camera at Pat and he said a joke about Rob Ford being ten talking hamburgers in a trench coat. Which is funny because Rob Ford doesn’t wear trench coats.<\/div>\n
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Sarah Palin\u2019s crotch smells like a pelican\u2019s beak. You heard it here first, folks! <\/div>\n
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Pat says, \u201cI got nowhere with this last year, I\u2019m just going to describe Ziggy cartoons. No one liked it last year. But I really like it, so I\u2019m going to go with it again.\u201d First Try: Pat forgets to mention the vegetable garden. Tries it again. Describes better. \u201cWhat kind of life does Ziggy have?! Every situation is a compromise with a weird animal!!!\u201d Listen guys, I hope everyone doesn\u2019t think we\u2019re just on a Ziggy break here. So… there\u2019s a gorilla wearing a beret that has come to Ziggy\u2019s door…. Pat is intellectualizing Ziggy. He\u2019s just nice! He\u2019s not stupid! Pat is standing up for Ziggy passionately. <\/div>\n
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CBC more like Crunchy Bieber Cereal. (silence). Maybe back to Ziggy? Why did Jay Leno cross the road? Because he heard that Conan O\u2019Brien was on the other side of the road and he decided he wanted the other side because he\u2019s a douche. Free target practice at Leatherface all night.<\/div>\n
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Regular Chips, you\u2019re all the way in the woods now. It\u2019s going to get shitty for you. Pat might eat a banana in a bit. What do you think of that? <\/div>\n
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You guys like TV? You like movies?? You like eating stuff? I don\u2019t have a joke, just market research…<\/div>\n
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Pat reads joke from the audience. Demands rewrite.<\/div>\n
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TLC, if you\u2019re out there, give some money. \u201cAre people out there watching this, Mark?\u201d Mark Andrada pipes up in a quiet matter of fact tone, \u201cyup\u201d. Apparently 64 people out there are watching this RIGHT NOW. Golf claps. <\/div>\n
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Lettuce, not a good cure for herpes. You heard it here first, folks. Solid advice, from Pat Thornton. <\/div>\n
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Knock Knock. Who\u2019s there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce rejoice. Hm. I think the 6 year olds were better.<\/div>\n
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Pat went to the bathroom in the mall the other day. He doesn\u2019t know why he\u2019s telling everyone this. Hooker fart. That happened.<\/div>\n
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Pat is just up here, heckling the hell out of marmalade. Ely has nachos. They are delicious. Yum. Come here for the nachos and the jokes. People on the internet, feel free to just send in good ideas. Jar Jar Binks and Rob Ford get married, and instead of wedding cake they have wedding marmalade. Pat says, \u201cI\u2019d go, I wouldn\u2019t like it but I\u2019d go because sooner or later they\u2019d play “Gettin\u2019 Jiggy With It” and that\u2019s my jam. Not my marmalade.\u201d <\/div>\n
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The \u201cYour dick is so wide\u201d jokes have started. As Pat points out, that\u2019s really the best burn ever, \u201cYour dick is so big…\u201d way to REALLY rip someone… <\/div>\n
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Pat just read a joke made up of random word associations… and then when it didn\u2019t land because it made zero sense he said, \u201cDid I do that right?\u201d Well… there are lots of different kinds of jokes. <\/div>\n
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Don\u2019t go chasing waterfalls jokes are happening.<\/div>\n
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\u201cWait, let me get this straight. I donated online. I paid to get in. AND I write the jokes? This is the worst gig EVER!!\u201d- disgruntled, anonymous audience member. <\/div>\n
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The chicken has arrived. \u201cThe secret of the ooze made the ninja turtles, the secret of the marmalade made the fords.\u201d I can get behind that. <\/div>\n
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I\u2019ve been here for one hour. And Pat is still burning Rob Ford and Marmalade. I love Pat\u2019s face when the joke actually makes zero sense. So much judgement. No words. <\/div>\n
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Pat: Knock Knock. Audience: Who\u2019s there? Pat: Owls Go. Audience: Owls go wh- (realization)-ooh. (palpable judgement) Pat: Yes, I will read ANYTHING. <\/div>\n
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Pat just put a joke that made no sense in his pocket. We\u2019ll see if that comes back to bite us later.<\/div>\n
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If I said Leatherface= Susan Boyle is that a burn on Leatherface on Susan Boyle? If I said Lettuce Face= Susan Boyle is THAT a burn on Susan Boyle? Or \u201cLettuce Face\u201d? From (I think) Sarah Hillier: That\u2019s a bigger burn on Susan Boyle because you\u2019re saying that she\u2019s worse than Lettuce Face that looking like her is a burn on Lettuce Face. Pat discusses the merits of Hillier\u2019s argument. Someone else points out that Hillier is right- unless it\u2019s a backwards burn on Lettuce Face. Pat then discusses the merits of the backwards burn argument. Over analyzed comedy for the win.<\/div>\n
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What\u2019s the difference between acne and Catholic priests? Acne usually comes on a boy\u2019s face AFTER he turns twelve. OOOOOOOOOOOH. Acne… is acne in the woods on that one? <\/div>\n
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It just took me waaaaaaaaaaay too long to get a “huge paws” bear in a bar joke. Paws, you\u2019re in the woods. So am I, I think… except no one knows. Well… no one knows until they read this. It\u2019s way too early in the night for me to be that dense.<\/div>\n
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Hey midget bible, you\u2019re in the woods! Rob Ford wants to get rid of unnecessary taxes and by \u201cunnecessary taxes\u201d he means immigrants. Guys, midgets are in the shrubs. Oh man. What does Rob Ford and a pirate have in common? They both put their junk in a big wooden box… Luba Goy. <\/div>\n
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Knock Knock. Who\u2019s there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce Robertson, Chief of Police. I\u2019ve found your son. <\/div>\n
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Pat has a fictional arch nemesis named Juanita. \u201cMcDonald\u2019s if you and I are going to stay friends, you\u2019re going to have to stop talking about your mysterious ‘beef machine’.\u201d- Pat Thornton. <\/div>\n
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“Don\u2019t go, Jason Waterfalls. My friend has a bet with me, you\u2019re Native.” Pat has some jokes on his phone. And someone wrote good luck on his wall. It\u2019s nice that we can all share these intimate moments with one another thanks to the magic of technology. Pat\u2019s talking about freezer head when he eats ice cream. Pat\u2019s miming how his sister eats ice cream (savouring it), someone in the audience is providing the orgasm soundtrack. \u201cThat\u2019s my sister, guys.\u201d Pat tells the crowd to try a little better after reading a piece of paper of a submitted joke that just said \u201cegg pants\u201d<\/div>\n
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Who wants to start a band with Pat called Wood Puss? <\/div>\n
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Don\u2019t go training thunder balls- more advice from Lettuce Robertson. Don\u2019t go tracing wonderbras. Don\u2019t go racist, waterfalls. Don\u2019t go tasting otter balls. Pat is rambling on whether a cantaloupe can only not get married in secret, or whether they could get married in a large ceremony their parents are invited to… only if they could afford it of course…<\/div>\n
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Someone in the audience just asked someone else in the audience, \u201cWhere did marmalade come from?\u201d I think that\u2019s what we all want to know. Don\u2019t go chasing Dufferin Mall. That place is garbage. Don\u2019t go tasting Whoppers, ya\u2019ll (huge roar) \u201chold on, hold on, it gets better.\u201d Sincerely, Rap Grimace<\/strong>. Pat wants to see more from Rap Grimace, Internet! <\/div>\n
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There was just a Sound of Music marmalade yodel reference. Sometimes I just laugh at the way that Pat tells the joke, even if it\u2019s not funny at all. Don\u2019t go blaming Biggie Smalls, I caused all that rap battle shit, Yours sincerely, Rap Grimace. All the boys here have intense porn video stashes. Pretty awesome. #movember. Rap Gramice sold out when he did that Broadway revival of The Color Purple<\/em>. <\/div>\n
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Don\u2019t vote Cheney, over all. That\u2019s the biggest stretch ever. Can\u2019t even see the waterfall from where we are now. No one knows what\u2019s up with Rap Grimace, he just rules- Pat is explaining things to the Internet people. The woods are owned by Oprah. We got this? We got this? <\/div>\n
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It\u2019s 10pm. Have you driven a Ford lately? So… the whole Ford Company is now in the woods. I still don\u2019t have a plug. We can go for 20 more hours, right? Apparently Gary can\u2019t remember his own joke- but Mark to the rescue! There is so much technology in this room. There\u2019s cords everywhere. Mark is being a superstar trying to make the live streaming work faster. All the joys of live shows.<\/div>\n
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Now for a serious message from Pat Thornton: He doesn\u2019t care how bad your jokes are, Internet! there\u2019s no such thing as writer\u2019s block. Who cares!? Who cares!? He will read it! <\/div>\n
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So, I\u2019ve found a plug out near the bar, there\u2019s a party going on out here too- all sorts of odd and interesting people milling about. I\u2019m recharging my batteries and just reading over what I have written so far. So far I haven\u2019t had any alcohol and it\u2019s only quarter to eleven. So… tune in around 2am for the next blog, which is sure to be even more scatterbrained, giddy, outrageous, potentially offensive and overall ridiculous and perhaps a ginormous waste of time- BUT NOT IF YOUR DONATING TO HELP SUPPORT THE STEPHEN LEWIS FOUNDATION TO HELP THE FIGHT AGAINST THE AIDS PANDEMIC IN AFRICA<\/a>. Get up off your ass, actually, you don\u2019t even have to, just use the Internet and a credit card and sit on your ass while you donate, donate, donate! <\/div>\n
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You can watch the hysteria LIVE here. Do it<\/a>. Or- even better- come here and party with us. Comedy Bar. 945 Bloor Street West. Stand Up straight til TUESDAY NOVEMBER 16th, 6pm. $5 (or more!) for <\/strong>a “come and go” button.<\/div>\n
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As an aside, every time I leave my laptop unattended for a second I\u2019m afraid that someone is going to change my Facebook status to \u201cI eat poo,\u201d even when I\u2019m not logged on… nevertheless… it’s probably a fair concern. Anyways. Come drop by. If you want the next blog to be funnier, buy me a drink! <\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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